


Aftershock

by orphan_account



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 15:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just because she's better it doesn't mean that she doesn't remember everything that happened, everything she did to the ones she loves. A look at the day after the events in With All My Heart with Gwen, Arthur, and Merlin. One-Shot. Possible spoilers for Season 5 eps up to With All My Heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aftershock

As Gwen rode behind Arthur, she held tightly to him as if worried that letting go of her love would give the spell she'd been under the chance to take control of her mind once more. Since the moment the witch's spell had washed over her in the Cauldron of Arianrhod she had been able to feel and think of nothing but her love for Arthur, a love that had been pushed down deep inside of her and denied for so long by Morgana's hold on her. Now that it was free once more, Gwen felt like she had fallen in love with her husband for the first time all over again. She was grateful for the long journey back to Camelot because it meant that they could be together, that she could hold him in her arms, with no interruptions, reveling in the way her love for him filled her and made her whole inside. She didn't know how she had been able to go through the days before denying the way she felt for Arthur and even working against him. She felt a peaceful contentment now, a bliss so complete that she thought it would never leave her again.

How wrong she was. As she woke the next morning to Arthur's gentle kisses, Gwen was suddenly filled with such regret and guilt that she thought she would be sick. While the intensity of her newly rekindled feelings for Arthur had carried her through the day before, now—as she remembered everything she had done while under Morgana's spell—other emotions that had also been denied pushed their way forcefully to the forefront of her mind. She turned quickly away from Arthur, bringing her hand to her mouth to cover the panicked gasps that were escaping from her, almost falling from their bed in her attempt to distance herself from him. 

Arthur's tender look of love turned quickly into one of shock and concern. “Guinevere, are you alright?” he questioned her, his voice worried and unsure at her sudden reaction to his attentions.

She collapsed into a chair and buried her face in her hands, then started to sob heavily. In moments her face and hands were covered with her tears as she realized what she had done, the things that she had put her husband through.

Arthur had no idea what was happening or how to respond, and he remained frozen to his place in their bed, eyes wide, watching as his wife cried, her whole body shaking with the force of her sobs. Finally he rose and went to her, not knowing what else to do. He knelt in front of the chair and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head in her lap and holding her tightly. She threw her arms about his shoulders, dropping her head to his neck. He could feel her tears soaking through his thin shirt almost immediately, but slowly the intensity of her sobbing diminished as they held each other, and soon she was taking large, steadying breaths or air, and no longer crying. He looked up at her then, gently pulling away from her arms so that he could see her face. She looked utterly crushed, and Arthur briefly wondered if something in the spell had gone wrong the day before.

“Guinevere, my love, what's wrong?” he asked gently. He cupped her face gently in his hand, wiping the tears from her cheek with his thumb as he gently caressed her smooth skin.

She shook her head miserably. “Oh Arthur, I'm so sorry.”

Arthur looked at her in confusion for a moment, and she continued.

“What I did, Arthur, it was unforgivable. I helped Morgana, conspired against you. How can you accept me so easily, knowing all that I have done?” she asked, her voice full of emotion.

Arthur was silent for a moment, putting the pieces together. Yesterday, after leaving the cauldron, it had seemed as if everything had just returned to normal, like nothing had ever happened. But that wasn't the case, of course. Everything had happened, and now he and Gwen would have to confront that reality. Even though Gwen hadn't been herself or acting under her own power, she had still been the one carrying out Morgana's wishes.

“It wasn't you, Gwen,” he whispered to her.

She shook her head. “But it was, Arthur. I should have fought her. How could I have ever betrayed you like that? I tried to kill you, Arthur!” she exclaimed. 

Her breathing quickened and she began to tremble, sliding from the chair to the floor. “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,” she said over and over.

Arthur held her tightly to him as she sobbed once more in his arms. His mind was reeling. Tried to kill him? Gwen? His mind played over recent events, the unusual number of accidents and attempts on his life. How many had Morgana orchestrated and then carried out with Gwen's assistance? But no, it hadn't been Gwen, her mind had been under Morgana's control, under the power of her magic. He knew that, and he blamed Gwen for nothing, and now that the spell was broken he trusted her unconditionally as he always had. But still, knowing that she had actively worked to end his life—that was a bitter thought.

He stroked her hair and whispered to her, trying to calm her as she cried. 

“You came back to me, Gwen. That's all that matters. You came back to me. Morgana wasn't strong enough. Your love was stronger,” he repeated to her over and over, and he found that he was rocking her as one would rock a child, his words making a cadence that matched the motion.

They stayed there for almost an hour, holding tight to each other as Gwen wept. It was all too much, this coming back to reality that she was experiencing. It seemed that the only way she could let it all go was through her tears. Then, as her tears slowed, so did her desperate and wild thoughts and fears about everything that had happened. There in Arthur's arms as he held her and whispered to her lovingly she found that once again she could breathe fully and begin to process everything that had happened. All the pent up guilt and shame, fear and anger, washed out of her with her tears. She lifted her head from where it rested on Arthur's chest and wrapped a hand around the back of his head and kissed him. It was a real kiss, not a show or something done out of duty as so many of her kisses had been in the recent past. She wondered if there was a tangible difference, if Arthur had been able to tell that her heart was not in it before. Or had his love for her blinded him to the truth, as Morgana had suspected that it would? 

“Arthur, can you ever forgive me for what I have done?” she asked him quietly as she pulled away.

“Of course. You did nothing, Gwen,” Arthur began, but Gwen cut him off, bringing a finger to his lips to silence him.

“No, I need you to say it. I need to know that you can forgive me, the part of me that did those things. It may not have been my choice, but I still remember doing them,” Gwen explained. There was a hint of desperation in her voice and in her eyes as she spoke, 

Arthur nodded. “I forgive you, Guinevere,” he said, strong and sure.

She smiled closed her eyes, letting the words wash over her.

“Now you need to forgive yourself,” Arthur continued.

Gwen opened her eyes and nodded. “Yes, I know. I'm just so thankful that you are all right and that none of Morgana's plans worked.”

“Me too,” Arthur agreed with a rueful smile. 

Despite it all, the look on his face made Gwen laugh, and the tension of the morning left her body and she felt strangely free once more. Arthur kissed her again then, and she lost herself in the feel of his lips against hers and his arms around her, holding her close to him.

~*~*~

Arthur had to leave eventually and return to his duties as king, and Gwen assured him that she would join him shortly. But she had one more person she needed to speak to before she could return to any sense of normalcy. She found him in the stables, ensuring that the horses had been cared for properly after their trip. She watched him quietly from the doorway for a moment as he worked, thinking through what she wanted to say to him. They'd been friends for so long, and although their relationship wasn't as close as her relationship with Arthur was, her betrayal was still as deep, if in different ways.

“Merlin.”

He jumped slightly, startled. He hadn't seen her standing there, and even though he knew that Gwen was free of Morgana's spell, there was a part of him that was on guard against her the moment she said his name. 

“My lady,” he greeted her with a slight bow, trying to keep the nervousness from his face.

She saw it anyways. Maybe she'd been looking for it. She didn't approach him, didn't make any sudden movements that could be seen as threatening or intimidating. Gwen knew that he had every reason to mistrust her. After all, he hadn't been there at the cauldron, and he'd suffered much at her hands, just as Arthur had. But he had known it was her then, when Arthur hadn't. He had known that she was plotting against him and against the king she was supposed to love. She worked almost as hard to kill him as she had Arthur because of it, all the while pretending to be his friend, even when he knew that she wasn't.

“Merlin, I want to apologize for, for everything,” she told him.

He looked a little surprise. “That's not necessary.”

“I think it is. I know that I may have been under Morgana's power, but you nearly died because of me. If anything had happened to you, or Arthur, I could never forgive myself.”

Merlin shifted uncomfortably at the raw emotion in her voice. He knew she was telling the truth, he could see the regret on her face and in the tears that fell silently from her eyes. 

“You couldn't help it,” he offered.

“I know, that's what everyone keeps telling me.” She wiped at the tears that were running down her cheek. “That doesn't mean I don't remember everything that happened, all those things I said and did.”

Merlin nodded. “I don't blame you, Gwen. Nobody does,” he reassured her. “Besides, I know what it is to be controlled by magic,” he said with a little smile.

“Yes, I suppose you do,” Gwen admitted, remembering that day years ago when Merlin had tried, very unsuccessfully, to kill Arthur. He'd been horrible at it though, and she... she'd nearly succeeded. 

“But can you forgive me?” she continued. “Can you trust me again? I know you don't right now, and I don't blame you for that.”

Merlin felt a little guilty. He wanted to trust her—he did trust her, mostly. It was just, habit now, to be on his guard when she was there. She'd spent so long trying to trick him or back him into some sort of corner that it was almost second nature to read into everything she told him. As much as he wanted to pretend that nothing had happened, well it wasn't as if the memories would just go away. He turned his attention to the nearest horse, rubbing it down absentmindedly.

“You threw me in jail,” he pointed out quietly, glancing at her briefly as he spoke the words.

It wasn't that he wanted to make her feel guilty or to bring up the past, but he wanted her to know why he found it hard to trust her. The pain in her voice and the regret in her eyes nearly broke his heart, though.

“I know,” she whispered hoarsely.

“Morgana nearly killed me, and you let her, you knew.” This time he avoided her gaze, focusing on the horse instead.

“I know. And I'm so sorry.” Her voice broke as she said it.

A moment of silence hung between them, then Merlin turned and walked towards her, taking her hands in his and meeting her tear filled eyes.

“I do forgive you Gwen. I want to trust you as well. I know that you love Arthur and Camelot. It will come, in time, I promise,” he assured her.

Gwen smiled a bit. “I do love Arthur, and Camelot, with all my heart,” she said, echoing the words that Merlin had missed her say the day before. Well, that she thought he had missed.

Merlin knew the power of those words, though, the way they had broken through to her true heart and enabled her to walk to Arthur and into the cauldron.

“Maybe you can just wait a little while before sneaking up on me in the stables?” he suggested with a cheeky smile, giving her hands a gentle squeeze before returning to his work.

Gwen laughed. “I'll try not to do anything too suspicious for the time being,” she agreed.

Her face fell again though as another thought crossed her mind. She hadn't been able to tell Arthur this, she didn't think he'd understand. But Merlin, Merlin saw the good in everyone, somehow. He would understand.

“I know that Morgana is twisted, that she has changed,” she began hesitantly. “And please, don't think I'm supporting or defending her. But Merlin, what she went through...” Gwen couldn't continue, and she leaned against the wall for support, lost in thought.

Merlin didn't say anything for a moment. He understood, in a way. He deeply regretted the course of events that had resulted in Morgana being who she was. But a person could only try to kill you so many times before you closed your heart to them, and any kind feelings he'd had left towards Morgana had been destroyed when she'd left him bleeding in the forest to die.

“No one should be treated that way. What Sarrum did to her, just because she had magic? It was wrong,” Gwen declared suddenly.

Merlin nodded. “You're right. What she went through was terrible. I wish it had never happened,” he said honestly. 

He'd heard rumors of the two years that Morgana had spent as a captive. They all had, but no one knew for sure what was truth and what was just a rumor.

“I know that magic is outlawed, and for good reason, but I don't want anyone in Camelot to fear something like that will happen to them just because they have magic,” Gwen admitted.

Merlin smiled sadly at her words. He was relieved to see that her mistreatment at the hands of Morgana's magic had not closed her heart to it as it did Uther and so many others. He could only hope that Arthur would heed his words—the Dolma's words—and feel the same way. 

“When I was with her, it was almost like it was before, when I was her servant, her friend. The way she confided in me. I felt sorry for her, I still do. I don't think she had to create those feelings with a spell. They were there already,” Gwen admitted quietly.

“We all wish things were different. You aren't the only one who misses the way things used to be,” Merlin assured her once more.

Gwen released a little sigh of both sadness and relief, the two somehow intertwined inside her heart. She was glad that she wasn't alone in missing Morgana—at least the kind, caring Morgana they used to know—but just the fact that they had to miss those days, that Morgana would never return, it left a little ache of loneliness in her heart all the same. Still, she felt much calmer now, no longer worried that the people closest to her would hate her for all eternity. If Arthur and Merlin were able to forgive her, then all was on it's way to being well once more.

“Thank you, Merlin, for everything.” She turned to leave.

“I'll walk back with you, if you'd like?” Merlin offered. 

Gwen looked uncertain for a moment. There was no hesitation in his voice, he wasn't offering out of some forced sense of duty, and his face held no barely veiled suspicion as it once had, either. He was offering as a friend again.

“I'd like that very much,” Gwen replied, and to her surprise her voice broke a bit, and she felt tears spring to her eyes once more. “Enough of this,” she muttered as Merlin looked at her with concern. 

But then she smiled, a real smile, because the tears were of happiness, and she knew that with Arthur and Merlin on her side once more, she was going to all right.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the only story that I've begun writing that I've actually managed to finish. Probably because it is a one-shot and pretty short. I do hope to post more someday, if this one seems to be all right that is. Thanks very much for reading, I hope it was enjoyable!


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